


The Power of Friendship

by phanburnhamizzard



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Domestic, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Suicide Attempt, major character illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 16:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13593528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanburnhamizzard/pseuds/phanburnhamizzard
Summary: Something is not right with Dan.   Years after tragically losing his best friend, Rick, Phil has finally let his guard down and found a new friend in Dan Howell. But, lately, Dan has seemed unwell.  What is going on with Dan?  And if the unthinkable were to happen, could Phil survive another tragic loss?





	The Power of Friendship

Prologue:

 

Dan Howell watches an ill-lit, black and white video of a young man with a strong Northern England accent . He immediately feels a connection. This young man is silly, just like him; has a quick mind, just like his; and a sharp wit, just like his. He can talk to the camera so well. Dan wishes he could talk to a camera like this young man named Phil. He seems very nice. He’d like to be just like him. He’d like to meet him. Maybe one day.

 

Chapter One  
Dan didn’t consider it “stalking” per se. He saw it more as reaching out to find a friend. He didn’t have many of his own and this oddly funny young man on Youtube really caught his attention. They seemed to have a lot of the same interests and similar aspirations. Phil was already successful, with a cult following on Youtube and Twitter, and Dan was his most rabid fan. He made sure to comment something positive on every video and favorite every tweet.

 

After a few months of this, Phil took notice and started answering back. Dan’s heart nearly stopped the day Phil added him on Twitter. A few weeks later, Phil brought up Skype, and the two had an instant verbal rapport. They talked for hours each night, often until early in the morning. They seemed to connect in a way that was deeper than either of them had imagined, as if they had been friends for years.

 

Chapter Two  
“So,” Dan said excitedly on Skype one night as they reached their fourth hour of talking, “I have some news!”

 

“What is it?” Phil asked.

 

“I have a long weekend coming up and I was thinking I could take the train up to Manchester and we could hang out for a day!”

 

Phil’s eyes rounded in fear and his jaw dropped open involuntarily.

 

“Um,” he began, “Um, no.”

 

“What?” Dan answered, confused, “what does that mean?”

 

“No. I can’t. I have, um, plans. Sorry,” Phil said as he struggled to regain his composure, “I just already have things planned for the weekend.”

 

“Oh. Okay then. Well, we’ve got to meet soon, Phil! Maybe another weekend, then?” Dan asked excitedly.

 

“Um, maybe. I don’t know. I just...maybe. Can we talk about something else?”

 

Dan felt as if he had been slapped across the face, but he tried hard not to show it. What was happening? After a year of Skyping, Dan thought Phil would have been as excited to meet him as he was. Had he read this friendship incorrectly the whole time?

 

“Um, sure, yeah, no big deal,” Dan replied as casually as he could, “So, what were you saying about Muse a minute ago before I interrupted you?”

 

“Oh!” Phil brightened back up and continued with his story, “I just LOVE the third track because….”

 

But Dan wasn’t really listening. He was trying to process what had just happened. Phil had looked terrified when he brought up the potential visit. Was he afraid of Dan? That couldn’t be. But what other reason could there be? He decided to drop it for now and bring it up again in a few months.

 

 

Chapter Three

 

Three months later, Dan decided that enough time had gone by that he would broach the topic of a visit once again. They seemed to be getting along better than ever, and Dan was sure that Phil would be more receptive to his idea this time.

 

“So,” began Dan, “I had an idea! I know you were busy last time, but a month from now, I have some time off from Uni and I thought we could finally meet in person!”

 

Phil froze. He looked at Dan with pleading eyes as if to say, Please don’t do this to me. He let an awkward moment pass, and then said “Dan, I have something I need to tell you.”

 

“Sure, okay Phil, it’s fine. Go ahead.” Dan tried to sound reassuring.

 

Phil bowed his head in silence a moment and then began to speak, his eyes never leaving the keyboard.

 

“I used to have a best friend called Rick. When I first got to Uni, I had no friends and Rick kind of took me under his wing. Throughout our years there, we hung out and studied together. We did everything together. When I was down, he knew just the right thing to say to pick me up, and I always felt like I could do the same for him. He had a way of saying the silliest things that could make me laugh so hard! We were inseparable. Since we had the same major, we spent most of our days and nights together, studying and working on videos in that dank, dark editing room. I never would have gotten my Masters without his help, you know?”

 

“Sure, yeah,” said Dan, encouragingly.

 

“I can remember Rick standing up for me in the club one night. The guys always tried to make me drink the most disgusting drinks--they did it to make fun of me--and Rick grabbed the horrible mix of about 5 kinds of alcohol in a pint glass from my hand just as I was beginning to take a sip, and he chugged the entire thing. Right in front of everyone, he drank the nastiest, most horrible thing you can imagine, then he slammed it down onto the table and said,’That was fucking awesome. I’ll buy the next one, who is going next?’ The guys were totally shocked and of course, they didn’t take him up on it. We barely made it out the door before he started puking. He got so sick from it. But he did it for me. I’ll never forget that.”

 

“One Thursday night, in our final year, Rick didn’t show up to study group. And that was really weird for him, you know? He was totally dependable and always on time. I was worried as I figured he must be sick. When I got back to the dorm, he wasn’t there. I thought of calling his parents, but then I thought I was over-reacting so I just went to bed. I didn’t do anything.”

 

Phil glanced up at the screen and Dan could see his eyes brimming with tears. “The next morning, the campus police woke me up by knocking on my door. I felt a huge drop in my stomach because I just knew Rick must have been hurt. They made me sit down and there I was, sat on the bed in just my boxers, this officer’s hand on my shoulder as he told me that Rick was gone.”

 

Phil took a very long pause, obviously replaying the conversation in his head. Dan was biting his lower lip and fighting back tears.

 

Finally, Phil continued, “While walking across the street to get to study group, Rick had been hit by a drunk driver. He was killed instantly. I remember being totally numb as the officer told me about it. I didn’t believe it at first and thought for certain that they had the wrong Rick. But of course, they weren’t wrong. It was my Rick.”

 

“Phil, I’m so sorry,” Dan said softly.

 

“He was my first best friend. And I just … I can’t imagine letting myself get that close to anyone again, you know? I can’t stand the thought of going through that kind of loss again. I was not okay for a very long time. I couldn’t talk for 2 weeks. I wanted to, but the words just wouldn’t come out. I cried all the time. I couldn’t function. I had to have help getting dressed. They called it catatonia, I think. The school counselor was very worried about me and sent me to a Medical Doctor to give me some kind of pills. They helped me be able to talk again, but I just couldn’t stop crying. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

 

“I cannot even imagine going through that again. You are a good friend to me and don’t take this the wrong way, but you are almost too good of a friend. I am already afraid of losing you and we haven’t even met yet. I mean, every time you let Skype ring more than like three times, I am certain something is dreadfully wrong with you.”

 

“Phil,” Dan began, “I am so sorry about Rick. He sounds like a great guy. I am so sorry you had to go through so much pain. And I want you to know that if you ever want to talk about him, I’m happy to be here for you to listen. But Phil, I’m not Rick. I’m not going anywhere. Accidents happen, and no, I can’t promise, but you have to trust me. I’m going to be okay. The odds are in my favor. I mean, I consider you my best friend and I’m not going to walk out on purpose. I’m not going to leave you. I promise. Take a chance on me, would you?”

 

Phil hesitated before answering. “Alright. Okay, yeah. I’ve been lonely for so long and I know for sure that Rick wouldn’t want that. I’ll take a chance on you.”

 

“Excellent!” replied Dan, laughing, “Especially because I already bought my train ticket!”

 

Phil smirked, then burst into laughter.

 

Chapter Four  
Standing on the train platform, Phil felt his stomach slowly tighten into a knot. There really was no going back now: he was letting Dan into his life in a real, physical way. As the sound of the train grew louder, Phil found himself smiling in anticipation. Each decibel increase brought his new best friend closer to him. His heart was racing as the train pulled into the station and slowed to a stop.

 

Dan was first out, and Phil noticed that the tall, slender young man was slightly tanner in real life than he appeared over Skype. Dan eagerly scanned the horizon for Phil and quickly spotted his tall frame standing head and shoulders above the rest of the crowd.

 

“Phil!” Dan shouted, waving his hand and jogging over to the taller, older boy.

 

“Hi, Dan!” Phil smiled, and the two embraced warmly.

 

“How was your trip?” Phil asked as they broke apart and began around in his backpack.

 

“Good! I slept most of the way, haha!” Dan laughed, “What are you looking for?”

 

“Oh, I brought you something,” Phil replied as he continued looking through his bag, “ It’s a… wait… let me find it… it’s… Here it is! It’s a llama hat!”

 

Dan laughed, “Well, thank you, haha! This is great! I, um, I brought you something, too.”

 

Dan reached into his backpack and pulled out a small, plush lion.

 

“You know, because you roar all the time?” Dan explained.

 

Phil laughed. “Thanks, Dan! I love it! Hey, do you want to go upstairs to the sky lounge and get a coffee?”

 

“Sure,” answered Dan.

 

They spent the late afternoon in the sky lounge, laughing and sharing stories. Phil made little birds out of his sugar packets and flew them into Dan’s hair, and Dan made footballs and shot them at Phil’s face. They attracted more than a few stares; but, filled with nerves and overstimulated with caffeine, they were basking in the glow of each other’s company and could not care less what anyone else in the world had to say. All they saw was each other.

 

That night was spent sleeplessly, as the two boys stayed up sitting on the floor of Phil’s room. Phil showed Dan his Buffy collection and all of his posters. By 3am, they were punch drunk and giggling at everything the other said. They ended up sleeping on the floor beside each other, neither wanting to take the bed and leave the other alone.

 

The next day, they awoke at 2pm, exhausted and with wrinkled clothes and aching backs, but the happiest they had each been in a long time.

 

“You know what I think?” Phil said as they ate cereal and slurped down orange juice.

 

“That you want to bone Sarah Michelle Gellar?” Dan teased.

 

“No!” Phil exclaimed in mock horror, “Dan! I was thinking we should make a video!”

 

“I’m not ready, Phil. I don’t know how…”

 

“It’s no big deal, just be yourself. We don’t have to post it, we’ll just make it to have fun!” Phil encouraged.

 

“Yeah, okay...Yeah!” Dan said, getting excited. “Let’s do it!”

 

They sat on the very floor they had just slept on and Phil turned on the video camera. It was silly and it was unprofessional, and they never uploaded it; but it was sweet and full of giggles and friendly touching and punching and a precursor to what Phil is Not on Fire became soon after. Dan watched carefully as Phil edited it, and then they sat eating dinner and watched all 10 minutes of it together, burying their faces in their pillows with raucous laughter.

 

Chapter Five  
Six months later, Phil made a phone call to Dan and asked him to move in. Dan needed a place to stay as the University Dorm was horrible, and Phil was lonely and wanted a new and bigger apartment that he couldn’t afford by himself. The timing was perfect for both of them.

 

Moving in was fun and stressful, especially figuring out the financial arrangements. Dan’s family was well-off, but Phil was trying to support himself, so they compromised by splitting the rent 70%-30% with Dan getting the bigger bedroom and Phil offering to be more hands-on in teaching Dan how to make thumbnails for his videos.

 

Dan was still studying law and was dreading every lecture and every test. Although he was incredibly bright, he found himself re-reading the same paragraphs over and over.

 

One night, after unexpectedly failing an exam and having scheduled a resit for the next day, his emotions came to a head and he felt himself get angry.

 

“I’m not going!” he shouted.

 

“Dan, what are you on about,” Phil replied, pausing his video game.

 

“They can’t make me go!”

 

“Go where?”

 

“To my fucking resit!”

 

“Dan,” Phil began calmly, “You have to go to your resit…”

 

“Not if I don’t give a fucking fuck I don’t!” Dan exploded, then he burst into tears.

 

Phil walked over to Dan and put his arms around him, allowing the younger boy to cry out his frustration. Slowly, they moved to the couch, where Phil leaned back and let Dan bury his head in his chest. Phil rubbed Dan’s back as he began to speak, noticing at once that his shirt was soaked with sweat.

 

“Dan, maybe you should contact your professor and ask for some time off, yeah? I mean, if it is this stressful for you, maybe you just need a break. I know you’re smart enough, and I know you can do it, but maybe this just isn’t the right time for you, you know?”

 

“Yeah,” sniffed Dan. “I just don’t feel good, Phil. I can’t concentrate and I can’t learn this stuff. I feel stupid and I’ve never felt stupid. I’m just so tired all the time.”

 

They talked for an hour, snuggled up on the couch, until Dan finally decided to take a year off of University. Both young men agreed it was a good decision. Phil ran to the kitchen for some popcorn and chocolate, and they stayed up talking and eating until the early morning.

 

Now that he had the proper time to put his effort into them, Dan’s videos improved in quality with every upload. Phil was delighted to see that Dan was coming back to his old self again, and he made every effort to be supportive. He wasn’t even jealous when Dan’s subscriber count surpassed his own on Youtube and then on Twitter. Instead, he was proud. Dan needed these positive reinforcements and Phil was thrilled that they were happening.

 

Dan, on the other hand, was still not feeling well. He kept waking up with sweat soaked sheets. His appetite was normal, but he couldn’t finish his meals most nights. And he was just so very, very tired. He decided he was still exhausted from school and that all he needed to do was take it easy. He focused on having fun with Phil and working on his videos. He was sure that this exhaustion would pass.

 

Chapter Six  
“I’m sorry, son,” the Doctor was saying, but Dan wasn’t really listening anymore. The shortness of breath and difficulty finishing a full meal as well as the unrelenting fatigue had gotten so bad over the past six months that he had finally made an appointment with his Physician just to be on the safe side. He had figured it was some type of arthritis or maybe a chronic inflammatory disease. But not this. Never something like this.

 

“Stage 3 means that it has spread regionally--it has moved out of your lymph nodes and into the tissues right near them. Unfortunately, that means there is not a lot that we can do, treatment-wise,” the Doctor continued in a matter of fact tone. “A stem cell transplant could halt production of the cancer cells and then we could treat the metastases, but finding a matching donor will be a challenge. We’ll test your family, of course, as they are the most likely candidates, but the odds are not particularly favorable that …”

 

Dan had stopped listening. He was concentrating on the sound the air was making as he breathed in and out; the rattling of the air conditioner vent; that his feet seemed rather numb at the moment; and how the Doctor’s Adam’s Apple jiggled his bow tie when he talked.

 

“...do you understand what I’ve just explained to you, Daniel?”

 

“Yes,” Dan heard himself answer.

 

“Do you have any questions?”

 

“Yes. Am I going to die?” Dan asked in a strangely monotone voice, “Is it going to hurt?”

 

“You have a 30% chance of surviving the next 4 months without a stem cell transplant, decreasing to 10% at six months. As for pain, we can give you medicines that will keep you relatively comfortable. Of course, towards the end, we will keep you very sedated so that you don’t feel much of anything.”

 

“Of course,” Dan repeated.

 

Dan made his follow-up appointment with the receptionist, took the elevator down to the lobby and stepped out into the bright, sunny London afternoon. He stopped and took in the scenery around him: there was a small child reaching up to grasp the hand of his father; a younger man helping an older man with some parcels as they crossed the street; a taxi darting in front of him and speeding away before he could make out the markings on the side. The world was racing by him. Time, the thing he thought he’d always have, was suddenly a priceless commodity that was slipping away by the second: a finite number of moments that he would never get back.

 

On the train, he wondered who he would tell and when. Of course, he would tell his best friend Phil and...but his mind stopped him. Phil. Phil, who had already lost one best friend and went nearly catatonic over it. Phil, who had barely been able to let him in because of the fear of losing another friend. No, he could not tell Phil. He decided the best way to protect Phil was to leave him in the dark for now. When they cured him with that stem cell transplant, he’d tell him and they’d have a laugh over it and move on.

 

He considered calling his Mum or Dad, but quickly decided to call his Nan instead. They had always been closer, and she would know exactly what to say to help him. She always had a quick joke or a loving statement that would make everything alright. And right now, he needed things to be alright.

 

“Hello, Daniel!” His Nan answered, “How are you, dear?”

 

“Fine, Nan. Listen, I need to talk to you about something, are you busy?”

 

“Not at all, Dear!”

 

And so Dan began his story. He shared with her the months of growing pain in his bones and joints. The fatigue and the bruising on his skin. The conversation with the Doctor and the prognosis. His feeling that he would certainly be cured, but that he was feeling a little bit numb at the moment, and could she please talk to him for a while?

 

Nan came through, of course, as she always had for Dan, with calm and encouraging words that he needed to hear. Of course he would be cured. Certainly, he would be just fine and be back to his healthy self in no time at all. It might be hard at first, but he was strong and would have lots of love and support and would make it through just fine.

 

On the other side of London, Dan’s Nan began to sob as she hung up the phone, knowing that her favorite grandson had essentially just received a death sentence.

 

Dan walked in the front door and Phil ran down the stairs to meet him.

 

“What did the Doctor say?” Phil asked with obvious anxiety.

 

“Oh, it’s no big deal. Something about a vitamin deficiency. I have to take some supplements, so, yeah. It will be fine.”

 

“Oh Dan!” Phil almost yelled in response, “I was so worried! I’m glad you’re okay.”

 

“Yeah, of course I’m okay, you spork!” Dan said, faking a smile. “By the way, what’s for supper? It smells so good!”

 

“Oh gosh, I’m burning it, it’s burning!” Phil squealed as he ran back up the steps.

 

Dan stood at the bottom of the stairs and took a deliberate and slow deep breath. Keep it together, Howell he said to himself under his breath. Once he had collected himself, he began the slow and exhausting task of walk up the stairs.

 

Chapter Seven  
Phil often borrowed aspirin from Dan as he never remembered to order his own from Tesco’s. He rummaged through the pill bottles, found the aspirin, and was just about to close the medicine cabinet door when a bottle of pills toppled out and onto the floor.

 

“Shiznit!” cursed Phil, and he bent down to pick up the bottle and was just about to place it back in the cabinet when he saw the label.

 

Daniel J. Howell  
Cycloposphamide  
Take 2 by mouth every morning  
Dr. James Perdue

 

Assuming this was the vitamin supplement, Phil carefully replaced the pill bottle in the cabinet and was about to shut the door when he saw four other bottles from this Dr. Perdue: methotrexate, doxorubicin, and prednisone. A knot formed in the pit of his stomach. These drugs did not seem like vitamins at all. They seemed like drugs that treated something much more serious than a simple vitamin deficiency. Knowing he was invading Dan’s privacy, but unable to help himself from doing so, he quickly whipped out his phone and took a picture of the bottles, then closed the cabinet door and dashed out of the bathroom and up to his room.

 

He typed in the names of the medications and felt his heart sink as each one showed it’s purpose. Cyclophosphamide was a chemotherapy drug that worked by slowing cell growth. Methotrexate was also a drug that slowed down the growth of cells. Doxorubicin worked by slowing or stopping the growth of cancer cells. Prednisone was a steroid that made your immune system slow down its responses to stop symptoms like swelling or allergic reactions.

 

The room began to spin. Phil felt as if he might vomit or pass out -- or both. His stomach was in knots and his mind was racing. This could not be happening. It just could not. His hands were shaking as he googled more information on the cancers that these drugs treated. One type kept coming up, and it was called Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Searching for more information about the disease, he read the symptoms with a sinking heart: Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma can cause many different signs and symptoms, depending on where it is in the body. In some cases it might not cause any symptoms until it grows quite large. Common signs and symptoms included:

 

Enlarged lymph nodes  
Swollen abdomen (belly)  
Feeling full after only a small amount of food  
Chest pain or pressure  
Shortness of breath or cough  
Fever  
Weight loss  
Night sweats  
Fatigue (extreme tiredness)  
Low red blood cell counts (anemia)

 

He thought of Dan not being able to finish the bowl of popcorn, leaving his favorite kernels uneaten. The chest pain on the stairs. The naps. The weight loss. The sweat-stained shirts. The realization hit him like a punch in the stomach: his best friend had cancer.

 

Immediately, he googled treatments: Dan’s medications were listed there, as were mentions of radiation treatment and something called a stem cell transplant. There was also “staging” to learn about. The lower numbers seemed more favorable than the higher ones, but Phil couldn’t figure out what stage Dan was just by his symptoms.

 

He decided that since Dan was only taking oral medications and wasn’t in the hospital, that it must be a lower Stage of cancer. He looked up the prognosis for Stage one and was instantly relieved to find that it was very good: the odds of surviving were near 100% with treatment.

 

He slowly shut his computer and stared off into the distance. His mind was both racing and blank at the same time. He wanted to cry because he was so deeply, terribly sad. He wanted to punch a wall because he was so angry. He wanted to yell at Dan because he had been lying to him this whole time. He wanted to...no. No he didn’t want to yell at Dan. He wanted to take him into his arms and hold him, squeezing him so tightly that he could somehow protect him from the cancer that was ravaging his body.

 

He didn’t know what to do. There was a possibility, though it was a small one, that he was totally wrong. It was possible, though not probable, that the medicines were for another, less serious condition. Anyway, he couldn’t just go up and ask Dan, could he? He wasn’t supposed to know. He’d just have to be supportive and wait for Dan to come to him.

 

And in the meantime, he would believe. He would believe that he was wrong and and that the 100% success rate was true. He would believe that he was not going to lose his best friend.

 

Chapter Eight

 

“Let me help you,” Phil pleaded, as Dan recovered from vomiting in the stairwell.

 

“No, I’m fine, I just...I just ate something bad and now I’m really tired. I just need to sit here a minute and then I’ll get this all cleaned up and…”

 

“Goddammit, Dan, I know about the Lymphoma. Just let me help you!”

 

Dan raised his eyes to meet his friend’s, his jaw slack.

 

“How? How do you know?”

 

“I saw your pill bottles. I’ve seen your symptoms. I see how worried Louise and PJ are. I know,  
Dan. Let me help you.”

 

Dan let Phil help him up the stairs and onto the sofa. The house was silent as Phil covered Dan with a blanket, then went back to clean the staircase.

 

Dan spent this time thinking. Phil seemed to be taking it much better than he thought he would. By the time Phil came back up the stairs, he had decided to confide in him completely.

 

“Thanks for the help, mate,” Dan said.

 

“Of course, Dan,” Phil answered. “So, how are you feeling? Can I get you anything?”

 

“No, I’m fine. Once that happens, I usually feel a lot better, actually,” he said with a small laugh. “But I wanted to apologize for not confiding in you sooner. I just...Well, I just didn’t know how you would react.”

 

“Dan, don’t be silly. I’m your friend. You know I’ll help you no matter what.”

 

Dan took a deep breath and felt himself relax for the first time in months. “Oh, Phil, I’ve needed you so much these past weeks, but I didn’t want to burden you. I’m so relieved that you are taking this so well. I really do need my best friend right now.”

 

“Of course! I’m always here for you, Dan. Always.” Phil replied with a gentle smile.

 

And they began to talk. Dan started at the beginning, outlining his symptoms and their progression. He talked about his visit to the doctor and how he called his Nan on the train. He apologized again about lying about the vitamin deficiency. He told Phil all about the treatments he had been having so far, and about how they were going.

 

And then he told him about the prognosis.

 

“So, 30% isn’t that bad, really, I mean, it’s 3/10. That’s what I keep telling myself, and …”

 

“What? What do you mean 30%? Thirty percent of what?”

 

“Oh, sorry, I’ve been thinking about this for so long that I forget not everyone has read up on it. The prognosis being 30% is not that bad because there is a chance that the stem cell transplant could work and…”

 

“Stop,” Phil said, his voice a mix of anger and confusion. Slowly, he repeated his question, “A thirty percent chance of what?”

 

“Survival. That’s what prognosis means. But anyway, if the stem cell transplant is successful, which depends on us finding a donor, I have a thirty percent chance of survival and those are great odds for this type of cancer because…”

 

“You’re dying?” Phil said softly, the words hardly audible.

 

“Well, I mean, yes. I thought you understood that. You said you read about lymphoma and--”

 

“It talks about cures and remissions. It doesn’t say anything about thirty percent. It doesn’t say anything about dying,” Phil was talking so softly he was whispering. His eyes were rimmed with tears and his brows were furrowed with confusion.

 

Dan closed his eyes as he realized what he has just done to his friend. “Phil, Phil I’m so sorry. I thought you understood what was going on. I shouldn’t have assumed. But yes, you are right. And I am sorry to have to tell you this, but there is a good chance that I will not survive this cancer.”

 

Phil tilted his head like a lost puppy and stared at Dan. Tears began to spill down his cheeks. He leaned forward and took Dan is his arms, hugging him so tightly that Dan had a hard time taking a deep breath. And so they sat, in the late afternoon sun, in each other’s arms: two frightened boys afraid of an enemy they could not see and did not know how to fight.

 

Later that evening, Dan called Phil down for supper. He was feeling better, so he made some stir-fry. He set the table and called Phil again, but he got no reply.

 

“Phil, the food is going to get cold!” he shouted up the stairs, but there were no sounds.

 

“Dammit,” Dan swore to himself. He knew Phil would take this hard. He was probably lying in bed crying. He debated leaving him alone with his feelings, but then decided he should go up and at least offer to talk if he wanted to.

 

He knocked on Phil’s door. “Phil? Can I come in, mate?”

 

There was no reply. So that was it, Dan thought, he was angry.

 

“Phil,” he began, “I’m sorry. I know how much you are hurting. And I know I should have been more forthcoming with you. You’re my best friend and you deserved honesty.”

 

Phil did not answer.

 

“Look, you goofball,” Dan teased, “I’m coming in, so if you’re wanking off or something, put it away because I don’t want to see it!”

 

Dan opened the door and froze.

 

Phil lay on the bed, his breathing shallow and slow. His closed eyes were puffy and red, but his skin had a blue-grey tint. Next to him on the bedside table was an empty pill bottle with a half empty glass of water, and a folded piece of paper with the printed words, “Dear Dan,” visible above the fold.

 

Dan raced across the room to Phil and shook him.

 

“Phil!” Dan screamed, shaking him violently, “Phil!!!”

 

Phil was unresponsive, his body limp in Dan’s arms.

 

“NO!” Dan yelled, “Oh God, Oh God!”

 

Dan grabbed the empty pill bottle and quickly read the label: Sonata, a sleeping pill that Phil only took occasionally when he had jet lag. Dan knew it must have been nearly full.

 

“PHIL?!” Dan was crying as he shook his friend violently, “Phil wake up!”

 

Phil made a small groaning sound and then fell silent once again.

 

“NO!” Dan screamed and slapped Phil’s face as hard as he could once, twice, then a third time, “Phil! Phil! Wake up! Phillll!”

 

Phil did not respond, and his breathing was becoming noticeably more shallow. Dan knew he had to get the pills out of his friend’s stomach as fast as he could. The sickening color on Phil’s face told him that there was not much time.

 

With strength he did not know he had, Dan punched Phil in the stomach as hard as he could, and Phil reflexively doubled over and began to dry heave. Dan rolled Phil onto his stomach and heaved him to the edge of the bed so that his head was hanging off the side.

 

He shoved his fingers down Phil’s throat as far as he could causing Phil to begin vomiting violently. A sickening combination of digested and undigested pills and bile spewed out onto the floor.

 

“Phil” Dan shouted, “Phil wake up!”

 

Phil’s eyes opened in tiny slits, then began to close again slowly.

 

“NO!” Dan yelled and shoved three fingers down his friend’s throat, causing him to retch violently once again.

 

“Wake up, damn you, wake up!” Dan shouted, tears streaming down his cheeks, “Phillllllllll!!!!”

 

He was just about to roll him back over and punch him in the stomach again when he heard a weak voice utter a single syllable.

 

“no…” it said, pitifully.

 

“YES Phil, wake up!”

 

“Stop, no, please…” he begged, wearily.

 

Dan jammed his fingers down his throat again and he violently vomited up more pills and stomach acid.

 

“You can’t leave me, you can’t!” Dan shouted.

 

“Let me go,” Phil cried weakly, “Please. Please, just let me die. Please.”

 

“No! You fight! You wake up!” he screamed as he made Phil vomit again. This time, only a few pills surrounded by acid appeared on the carpet below.

Phil was becoming more alert. His skin was blotched in red and white, and his lips were swollen. His breathing was deeper and his voice more audible.

 

“Please, Dan, I can’t. I can’t. Just read. Read it. Let me go.”

 

“NO! You can’t leave me! I won’t let you! I need you! I love you!”

 

Dan rammed his fingers down Phil’s throat again, and this time only stomach acid came up. After he retched for the last time, Dan rolled him over onto his back.

 

Tears were streaming down both of their faces. “What else did you take?!” Dan was screaming and shaking Phil violently by the shoulders. His fear had turned to anger.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Tell me!!!” Dan demanded, slapping Phil’s face as hard as he could.

 

“Nothing!” Phil said, now with more strength in his voice.

 

“Don’t you ever do this to me again! Don’t you ever try to leave me!” Dan demanded as he whipped out his cell phone and called 999.

 

Phil was despondent and in great pain. He was sobbing now, his head turning from side to side. “No, no, no” he repeated over and over. “I can’t do this. I can’t feel this pain again. I can’t lose you. Please. Please let me go.”

 

“Hello? Yes, my friend just tried to commit suicide, he swallowed a bottle of Sonata. I made him vomit and I think we got most of them up but please hurry because I don’t know how many dissolved before I got here”.

 

Phil rolled onto his side and held his stomach, sobbing in both physical and deep emotional pain. “No, no, no…” he kept repeating.

 

The EMTs arrived quickly. They strapped Phil onto a gurney, started a saline drip and rushed him to the hospital for a stomach pump. They gave him medication to make the process less painful for him, and after a frightening episode where his blood pressure dipped so low they could barely measure it, he became more responsive and his vital signs stabilized.

 

After 2 tense hours in the waiting room, the doctor came out and assured Dan that Phil was going to be okay. In the process of saving his life, he had broken 3 ribs, bruised his esophagus, split his lip, and given him a concussion. But he had saved his life.

 

Dan crumpled down into the waiting room seat and rested his head in his hands. He was in great pain, but it didn’t matter. He was late for his medication, but that didn’t matter either. Phil was going to live. That was all that mattered.

 

He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he leaned back to rest his weary head on the chair, and in doing so, he found a crumpled up piece of paper in his left hand pocket. It was the note. He had grabbed it when the medics came and then forgotten all about it. He debated whether to read it or not, but then decided that since it was addressed to him, he had the right and also the obligation.

 

He carefully uncrumpled the paper and began to read.

 

Dear Dan,

 

I never knew love until I met you. And now, I am broken. Mere words cannot convey how sorry I am that I cannot be strong for you. I wish I were was strong enough to help you, to be there for you, to comfort you. But I can’t, because I am already dead inside at the thought of losing you. I have nothing to give you but pain. And I will not allow myself to hurt you, Dan. Please forgive me.

 

I love you, forever and ever,  
Phil

 

Dan closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. Exhaustion overtook him. If there was a Hell, he thought, he was in it. How could he keep Phil alive while also fighting his own life and death battle? He simply did not have the energy; and yet, he knew he had to find it somewhere.

 

He reached into his pocket for his phone and called Louise.

 

Chapter Nine  
Louise set up housekeeping in Dan and Phil’s flat as soon as she stepped in the door. She opened all the blinds to let in the sun and when she wasn’t humming, she made sure there was soft, soothing music playing all the time. She kept scented candles burning, and the smells of nourishing food wafted through the house. When Dan brought Phil home from the hospital, Louise was there with a fresh bouquet of flowers and a lovely dinner already set out for the three of them. She brought that touch of femininity to their house that was so needed right then: a mothering figure to help these two young men and support them in their struggles.

 

Dan and Phil sat down and had a serious talk. Dan made Phil promise to never try to take his life again; to take his medications and go to his therapy sessions; and to open up and talk about his feelings with him.

 

“We have each other now,” Dan said, “and we need each other now. Let’s stay open with each other, okay?”

 

“Ok,” Phil answered, as bravely as he could, “I promise.”

 

As they embraced, Phil could feel Dan’s fever through his sweater. He held him and inhaled his scent to imprint the moment on his memory forever.

 

“I’ll stay with you, Dan. I will.”

 

Dan smiled, “Thank you, Phil. Thank you.”

 

Chapter Ten

 

The stem cell transplant was quickly looking like Dan’s only hope. He had lost twenty pounds and had stopped making videos because the Phandom had started to notice the weight loss. He made an excuse about needing to focus on a “secret project”.

 

Phil was taking his medications and going to therapy, but still had suicidal ideations. All that kept him from taking another bottle of pills was his promise to Dan. Louise and P.J. had secretly and nonchalantly began to take shifts at the flat when Dan was resting so that Phil was never alone, thus hopefully decreasing his opportunities to hurt himself. Phil didn’t seem to notice their plan and simply enjoyed their company. Both Louise and P.J were exhausted, as they tried to keep not one, but two of their best friends alive.

 

The call came in from Dan’s doctor and from the tone of his voice, Dan could tell it was bad news. “Son, I’m sorry that I have to tell you this, but none of your family is a match for the stem cell transplant. We can put you on an international list, but it is a long one and the odds are very slim. If you have friends who would be willing to undergo the painful testing procedure, this would be the time to ask them. The odds aren’t good, but there is always hope.”

 

Dan put down the receiver and looked around the room at his three best friends in the world.

 

“Hey,” he said, putting every bit energy he had into his voice to make it strong enough to be heard, “Who wants to get stuck with a needle?!”

 

Of course, they all volunteered immediately, without even fully understanding what they were volunteering for.

 

PJ opened his laptop and googled Bone Marrow Donation:

 

This process is often called bone marrow harvest, and it’s done in an operating room. The donor is put under general anesthesia (given medicine to put them into a deep sleep so they don’t feel pain) while bone marrow is taken. The marrow cells are taken from the back of the pelvic (hip) bone. A large needle is put through the skin and into the back of the hip bone. It’s pushed through the bone to the center and the thick, liquid marrow is pulled out through the needle. This is repeated several times until enough marrow has been taken out (harvested). The amount taken depends on the donor’s weight. Often, about 10% of the donor’s marrow, or about 2 pints, are collected. This takes about 1 to 2 hours. The body will replace these cells within 4 to 6 weeks.

 

The article went further to talk about side effects, such as difficulty walking for two weeks or so due to the pain from the needle to the hip. They all made light of it and decided they should definitely get matching canes.

 

“I’ve heard there are some with live goldfish in them!” Phil was saying enthusiastically.

 

Dan sat back and smiled. He was too exhausted to laugh, but he was feeling grateful. Grateful that he had these amazing friends who were willing to undergo such an invasive procedure for him; grateful for the gift of friendship; and mostly, grateful that he still had Phil in his life.

 

The procedures went well, though Louise had a complication with a possible infection and had to stay in the hospital for two extra days for preventative intravenous antibiotics. They ended up with matching canes of light blue, decorated with light blue ribbons, the color for Lymphoma Cancer Awareness.

 

Dan awaited the results with a resignation that had taken over him weeks ago. He had worked past the denial. He had fought through the anger and the depression. He was done with the bargaining. He was now in a stage of acceptance. He realized his odds were low and his time was short, so he decided to make every waking moment meaningful.

 

The four friends went on a picnic to a secluded spot in a London park. Dan sat in his wheelchair as the rest of them sat on the ground, picnic blanket set out with light blue irises in a teal blue vaser. The sun felt good on Dan’s pale skin. He couldn’t eat much, but he enjoyed the company. He sat back and watched his friends laugh and joke, and found he could not keep his eyes off of Phil, who, incidentally, kept staring at Dan. Their bond was as strong as ever and Dan knew that once he was gone, Louise and P.J. would have their hands full keeping Phil healthy, happy and alive. He wondered if they could do it. He closed his eyes to rest and, for the first time in ages, he prayed. He prayed, but not for himself.

 

“Dear God, or Whoever I am about to meet,

 

Please take care of Phil. He deserves all the good things in this life. Please give him peace. Let him live on and find another friend to keep him happy. Please God. Please.

 

Amen.”

 

He opened his eyes and noticed that all was quiet and everyone was staring at him with wide eyes.

 

“I’m alright, guys,” he smiled, “Just having a quiet thought, that’s all.”

 

“Oh, good!” said P.J., audibly releasing his held breath. “You got really still there and...well...Good, then!”

 

And they all laughed.

 

Chapter Eleven

 

“Hello! Welcome! Give me a second, let me tweet this out.” Phil turned away from his laptop and reached for his iPhone, quickly proof-reading and sending out his invitational tweet to join his YouNow Liveshow.

The early arrivers could not help think that something was different about Phil. He was smiling, but only with his mouth. His deep eyes were missing their sparkle.

“Let’s see,” Phil was saying, “Welcome to the Twitterers. Whoa, here they all come! Hello Annessa and Clarice and x_kokomo_X and cookiedoughPasta and ...”

As he read off the names, he tried to make his voice light and carefree. He knew he had to make everything seem normal. He felt responsible for this group of people, and what he had to tell them today would be difficult for them to hear. He needed to ease them into it, and he wanted to let them know that they would be okay. That they would all be okay.

“So, what’s new? Type in the chat what you’ve been up to today!”

And as he read some of the funnier responses aloud, his mind traveled back to his most recent conversation with Dan. It had been a tough conversation to have, but one that had been coming for a long time. Both of them knew it had to be said at some point, but neither wanted to bring it up. Perhaps because talking to the fans about it would make it real. And it was already getting too hard to pretend it wasn’t happening.

“’Eating pancakes?’ Save some for me!” Phil said with a forced laugh.

“’Petting my triceratops?’ Hey, like my shirt! I’ll pet mine, too!”

As the bants continued, Phil mentally rehearsed his speech. He had written it out on his computer and recited it about a half dozen times in front of Dan, then Louise and PJ and they all thought it was well done.

He opened some premium messages and dismissed them all quickly, as they were all about the subject he was about to speak on. He didn’t want to be forced to begin before he was ready, though he was unsure whether he would ever be ready for this.

“So, guys, I’d like to talk to you about something for a minute,” he began, with a smile still on his face, “ I know a lot of you have been asking about what Dan has been up to lately and why he isn’t doing live shows, the radio show for BBC1, or releasing videos.”

He took a deep breath in and continued, “Dan has been taken ill and he just doesn’t feel up to performing right now. The best thing for him is to rest. He misses all of you and wishes he could tell you this himself, but …” Phil stopped abruptly. He felt his breath catch in his throat and he wasn’t sure he could finish the sentence. There was an awkward pause as he smiled and forced his breathing to slow, regaining control of himself. “...but,” he continued, “he sends his love and that he would really enjoy it if you tweeted him some funny stuff and filled his Tumblr tag with Kanye, Anime, and swag, haha. So, that’s what I wanted to tell you. If you have any questions, or just want to talk about it, I’m going to stay here for the rest of the hour with you to do just that. ”

The chat was moving so fast, Phil could hardly read it.

“OMG, is Dan dying?”  
“What’s wrong, Phil?”  
“Please tell us”  
“Can we just see Dan for one second?”

Phil picked out the last comment in the chat as it flew by and responded, “No, sorry Crystal, Dan’s resting right now so you can’t see him. Let’s see, um, CoconutSwaggy asks, ‘How soon until Dan gets better?’”

Phil paused. He had known this question would come up and he was prepared for it.

He took in a slow, deep breath and went back into his speech.

“Guys, I don’t know when Dan will feel better. I don’t know if Dan will feel better at all. We all hope so, of course, but we just don’t know. It’s important for you to know that Dan is being taken care of. Louise and P.J., Dan’s family and I are doing everything we can to make him as happy and comfortable as he can possibly be. And the Doctors,” Phil’s voice cracked and this time, he didn’t try to hide it, “The Doctors are doing everything they can to help him get better. But the truth is, we don’t know if he is going to get better.”  
The chat froze from too much activity. Phil could only imagine the panic he had just caused. He continued on, “I know this is scary to talk about. There are some important things for you to know. First of all, every single one of you is going to be okay. Secondly, everything that can be done is being done, both to make sure Dan is comfortable and happy, and to get him well. Thirdly, it’s okay to be sad. I’m sad. P.J. and Louise are sad. Dan’s family is sad. It’s normal to be sad. But the important thing to know is that you don’t have to be afraid. We are all a family and we all have each other. No one has to go through this alone, and the good thing is, that we all have each other.”

Phil comforted the group as best he could, tapping into a strength he had built up by healing from Rick’s death years ago. He stayed with the group for the full hour, comforting them and dissuading them from self harming, and by the end, the Phandom had turned to comforting one another. Phil smiled. He had known they were a special group of people.

“I’ve got to go now, but I want to thank each and every one of you for being so honest and so strong today. Remember that it is okay to be sad, but that the last thing Dan would want is for you to hurt yourself or anyone else because of him. To help Dan, please help each other. That’s what would--what will make him the most happy. I’ll see you next week. Bye!”

As the live feed shut down, Phil closed his computer, curled up into a ball on the floor and hugged his knees. He stayed that way for nearly half an hour, replaying the chat and his speech in his mind over and over. He felt as good about it as was it was possible to feel good about anything these past few weeks. He knew he had done what Dan had implored him to do: he had taken good care of the Phandom, and in his heart, he knew that they would be alright.

 

Chapter Twelve

Phil found Dan lying face down on the lounge floor. His breathing was shallow and his shirt was soaked with sweat. He could feel his fever burning through his shirt. He would not wake up, even through Phil’s screams. The medics arrived and took him to Hospital and as Phil, P.J. and Louise sat in the Doctor’s consultation room, they heard the news they had been dreading: time was very short now. Dan should be put on Hospice care to keep him comfortable. The chemotherapy would be stopped as it was only ravishing his body now, not stopping the cancer.

 

Phil ordered the hospital bed and Louise and P.J. made room in Dan’s bedroom for the IV pole and other medical equipment that would be needed. Arrangements were made for a nurse to come in daily to help with the medications, and an ambulance was rented to take Dan home on a stretcher.

 

Dan came home on a Tuesday and finally awoke Thursday in the early morning hours, moaning in pain. Phil and Louise, who had been sleeping on the floor next to his hospital bed, rang the nurse who arrived within the hour and started Dan on a Morphine drip. Phil held his left hand and Louise his right, both talking softly to him and stroking his hair as the medicine began to take effect. Dan’s eyes opened, and for the first time, there was fear in them. Fear he could no longer hide.

 

“Help me,” he cried out.

 

“It’s okay, Dan. We’re here with you. And the nurse is here. And you have the medicine you need now. You won’t have to feel that pain ever again. I promise,” Phil said, as he leaned in and spoke gently into Dan’s ear. “I promise.”

 

Dan spend the rest of the night awake, but groggy, grasping his friends’ hands and speaking to them of his fear of death. The medicine that was helping his pain was confusing and scaring him, but Phil and Louise stood by and comforted him through the night.

 

The next day, Dan refused breakfast. He had not taken solid food since he was admitted to the hospital. He was asked if he wanted to be tube fed and he shook his head.

 

“Not hungry,” he answered before falling back asleep.

 

Phil never left Dan’s side. Louise and PJ pitched in together and got a recliner and put it beside Dan’s bed so Phil wouldn’t have to sleep on the floor. At Dan’s slightest stirring, Phil would jump from the chair and take his hand so he was never alone when he was awake; so he would never have the chance to get scared.

 

He was awake less than 8 hours a day now, and those hours were not consecutive. He would take water, but no food and his voice was so soft it was becoming difficult to understand him. The sweat kept curling his hair, and Phil used the dry shampoo spray to wash it and gently straighten it for him as he knew Dan would want it that way.

 

Dan’s Nan was a frequent visitor and spent hours stroking his hair and telling him that she loved him.

 

Phil rolled in an old VCR and hooked it up to the television. It was his turn to sit up with Dan through the night and since he was not sure how many more nights they had, he had made a decision. He politely ushered everyone else out of the room, saying he wanted them all to get some rest.

 

After they had all left, he turned on the television and slipped an old VHS cassette into the VCR. He kept the volume low enough so as not to disturb the others, but loud enough that Dan could hear it. Then, he climbed into the hospital bed with his best friend and held him in his arms.

 

“Hi guys!,” came Phil’s young voice from the tape, “Today I have my friend here with me. This is Dan! Say hello, Dan!”

 

“Hello, Dan!” Dan’s voice said from the television speakers.

 

Phil watched as his younger self punched Dan in the shoulder.

 

“Dan,” he said softly to his sleeping friend, “Watch this with me.”

 

Dan’s weakness was so great now that it was a struggle to even open his eyes. It took several minutes and Phil’s gentle voice to bring him out of his deep sleep, but he finally opened his eyes. He directed them at Phil’s face and tried to smile.

 

“Hi,” he said with a trace of his old voice.

 

“Hi, sweetheart,” Phil said. “It’s so good to hear you! I brought you something to watch. It’s something special that we haven’t seen in years. Just a minute, I’ll rewind it to the start.”

 

Phil rewound the tape and hit ‘Play’ and Dan fought to focus his eyes on the television.

 

When he did, he saw two young boys, giddy and full of strength; full of passion for life and for one another.

 

He heard his own voice, strong and confident. He watched as his younger self licked the camera lense, punched Phil in the arm, and made corny jokes that they had both thought were hilarious.

 

Phil held him snugly and squeezed him gently. Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. They watched these two figures, ghosts of themselves, up on the screen and both were silently wishing they could go back in time to that moment. That amazing moment when they were both young and healthy and full of life.

 

On the screen, Phil was crossing his eyes and Dan was cackling with laughter.

 

In the bed, Phil looked down at Dan and saw a smile cross his face.

 

“You’ll always be my Dan, you know,” Phil said softly.

 

“I know,” said Dan, hoarsely.

 

Phil gently squeezed him in his arms and kissed the top of his head.

 

“Always,” he whispered into Dan’s ear. “Always.”

 

The phone jarred them all awake, including Dan. It was 7am on Saturday morning and everyone important in Dan’s life was already in the apartment. Phil considered just letting it go to voicemail, but picked up Dan’s phone instead.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Yes, hello, this is Dr. Perdue. Is Dan able to talk on the phone?”

 

“Dan, can you talk to Dr. Perdue?” Phil asked, gently.

 

“Okay,” he said groggily. “Put it on speaker please, I don’t think I can hold it”.

 

“Alright, you’re on speaker, Doctor, go ahead”

 

“Dan, I have some news.”

 

Dan blinked.

 

“Bloody hell,” he whispered, “what other news could you have for me? Do I have MORE cancer?” and he managed a slight laugh.

 

“No, Daniel,” said the Doctor, “You have a match. Your friend, Philip Lester, is a match to be a stem cell donor for you.”

 

“WHAT?!” Phil yelled with excitement. The others in the room had started screaming.

 

“Is this Phil? Yes, son, you are a match to be a donor. Time is limited, so we need to do this today. Can you be down here to Hospital by 8am?”

 

“YES!” Phil answered, still yelling.

 

“Daniel,” the Doctor continued, “we will send for you by ambulance. We’ll start the transfusion as soon as you arrive. I have to tell you that the odds here are still very low. The stem cells need two weeks to bind to your marrow and start making healthy cells, so you’ll need to hold on until then. And even then, there is no guarantee that this will work. Do you want to go through this, son?”

 

“Yes,” Dan answered without hesitation. “Yes, please.”

 

“Good then. I’ll see you all later this morning.”

 

Phil raced to shower and change. Dan’s Nan gave Dan a sponge bath and dry shampooed his hair.

 

Phil ran back into Dan’s room, pushing everyone else aside, and grasped Dan by the shoulders.

 

“Dan. You hold on, you hear me? You fight. You stay here with me. Don’t you leave me. Promise me!”

 

“Phil, I…” Dan began weakly.

 

“No! You promise me!”

 

“I promise I’ll try, Phil” Dan answered softly, “I’ll try.”

 

Chapter Thirteen

 

Phil’s harvesting procedure went smoothly, and the transfusion of Phil’s healthy stem cells into Dan began within the hour. Dan tried to eat to regain some strength, but found he could keep nothing down, so he reluctantly agreed to the painful feeding tube.

 

Phil was back by his side that afternoon, limping but otherwise healthy.

 

Louise pulled the hospital blinds open, letting in sunshine. P.J. and Dan’s Nan arranged the bed so Dan could look outside.

 

The next few days were touch and go. In a terrifying moment, Dan’s heart gave out and his friends were literally shoved out of the room as the doctors and nurses started CPR and got him back. They all had to wear protective clothing shields and masks to protect Dan from germs as his immune system was so weak. None of them minded, though. Each minute that Dan was breathing was a minute the stem cells had to do their job. Minutes were what they lived for now. Precious minutes.

 

The turn happened about day 10 post-transfusion. Phil awoke in the bed-side recliner to find Dan already awake and looking around the room. His color was improved and his eyes were more alert.

 

“Dan, good morning. How do you feel?”

 

“Like I just ran a marathon, haha, but a little better actually.”

 

“Aha!,” joked Phil, “It is the Lester blood coursing through your veins that is giving you strength!”

 

“That’s not how it works, you nerd.” Dan snapped back. “The stem cells are binding to my bone marrow and…..”

 

As Dan droned on about the science, Phil began to smile. His Dan was coming back. His sarcastic, sassy, know-it-all Dan was still in there and he was coming back.

 

Chapter Fourteen

 

“You know,” Phil said as he was helping Dan to eat his first meal back at home after three weeks in the hospital, “There is something I need to ask you.”

 

“What’s that?” said Dan, his mouth half full of the stir-fry that Phil had just fed him.

 

“Did you read the note I left for you?”

 

“Yes. I read it, Phil.”

 

A long silence followed, in which Dan and Phil held each other’s gaze.

 

“I meant what I said, Dan,” Phil said softly. “I do love you.”

 

“Phil, I don’t know what to say…” Dan began.

 

“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know that. I will never try to leave you again.”

 

“Do you promise?” Dan asked, leaning forward in his wheelchair.

 

“I promise, Dan.”

 

The meal was finished and the two sat in silence for a moment before Dan began to speak.

 

“Philip Michael Lester, I have loved you since the first moment I saw your black and white image and terrible haircut on my old computer. I love your kind heart and your creative mind. I love your incredible eyes and your sweet, sweet smiles. I love the way you make me feel when I’m near you. I love the weird way you hold your hand in your pocket, and the even weirder way that your brain works sometimes. But most of all, I love you.”

 

Phil smiled and took Dan’s hand in his.

 

“Daniel James Howell, I love the left side of your face. I love your radiant smile and your sparkling eyes. I love how you know so much and yet are always wanting to learn more. I love that you straighten out my silverware for me and that you care so deeply about so many things. And I love that even when you had no energy to give, you gave what little you had to save me. I know it sounds selfish, but I can’t help but tell you that. I love you, Dan.”

 

Dan unlocked his wheelchair and turned it towards Phil, leaned forward and wrapped him in his arms. Phil rested his head on Dan’s round shoulders and breathed a deep sigh of contentment.

 

Later that evening, after Phil had helped Dan shower and change into his pyjamas, Dan surprised him with an invitation.

 

“Phil, will you sleep in my bed with me tonight? I just really want to hold you.”

 

“Of course!”.

 

The lights were turned off and the room was illuminated only with the white Christmas lights Dan used to decorate his headboard. In this dim light, both the room and Phil appeared as monochrome.

 

“Huh!” Dan said with a slight smile. “This reminds me of the first time I ever saw you. Everything in black and white and you with a bad haircut”

 

“Dan! I haven’t been able to schedule a haircut because I’ve been taking care of you!” Phil exclaimed.

 

“I’m only joking, you spork. Now come here.”

 

Phil laughed and crawled carefully into bed next to the frail body of his friend. Dan rolled onto his right side to face Phil, and Phil slid closer to Dan and held his face in both of his hands.

 

The ongoing chemotherapy and subsequent immobility had wasted away much of his muscles, and his arms were bruised with countless IV and draw punctures. His eyes were bloodshot from exhaustion and were bordered by dark circles. His hair was visibly thinning due to the radiation and his cheeks were gaunt and hollow.

But Phil didn’t see any of that.

 

“My beautiful boy,” he said softly as he gave Dan a gentle peck on the forehead.

 

Dan smiled. “I love you, Philly”.

 

“I love you too, Dan”, Phil replied softly as he slowly rolled over onto his back and Dan rested his head on his chest. Phil carefully wrapped his arms around Dan and then rested his chin in his brown hair.

 

Dan was already asleep on Phil’s chest as Phil lightly kissed the top of his head.

 

“I love you, too,” Phil repeated in a whisper, “And I’ll never leave you. We’ll always be together. I promise.”

End Notes

First of all, thank you for reading my story. Secondly, I'm so sorry about chapter 8. I cried the entire time I wrote it. Thirdly, I want to thank @cloechecksmyflow for being my amazing beta for this story. As always, this is a work of fiction and I wish Dan and Phil nothing but the best of health and happiness in their lives.

Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!


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